Saturday, January 01, 2011

Making Jet fuel by scrubbing CO2 from the air ...
Why It's Not A Good Idea To Piss Off A Crew Member 
  • I only give buddy passes to peope I hate. Then I can gleefully relish when they get stranded in Senegal for 10 days

  • From a First Officer...On a DC-10 in Chicago, waiting for pushback. F/As call the cockpit; there’s some kind of conflict in coach. Captain’s reading a magazine, I’m the plumber. He says “go back there, boy, and see what the problem is.”In mid cabin, a 40-ish woman is arguing with two F/As who are telling her there’s no more room for hanging bags in the closet (remember those “up and away” hanging closets?) so the bag would have to be checked. I take the garment bag, assure the woman that I will personally get a gate check tag, and put it in the cargo hold myself. I get a tag from the gate counter, go downstairs onto the sub-freezing ramp in shirt sleeves and place the bag in a cargo module about to be loaded. Then I personally take the claim check to her in the main cabin. She just glares at me and says, “You f___cking assh_le.” Without saying a word, I went through First Class, out the L-1 door to the jetbridge, then downstairs AGAIN freezing in shirtsleeves, found her garment bag, ripped the destination tag off, then walked over to an MD80 going I have no idea where and threw her bag into the forward cargo hold. Thawing out on the flight deck, the captain’s still reading his magazine. “Problem solved, boy?” “Yessir. All taken care of.”

  • From a Flight Attendant...Upon securing his area. A passenger demands a beer. the crew smiles graciously and says “I will be back with your beer Sir”. He then says : “I want it now!” loudly. he replies, “of course sir, I will get it now”. He goes back to the galley. Picks a nice, warm heineken, shakes it, and goes back to the customer with coasters, nuts, and every possible tidbit to make him happy. Seconds later he hears his whole area laughing their heads off. The twat had beer all over his face… Neighbors cracking up next to him telling him to ask politely next time and avoid self-embarrassment. 

  •  From a passenger...An FA taught me a great trick on how to get the person in front of me to not lean back in their seat. as flying from the UK to NY on Virgin Airlines and I was stuck in the last row and in the middle. I was in hell. The person in front of me proceeds to lean their seat-back all the way the instant we take off and of course I couldn’t lean mine back at all as my row was up against a bulkhead wall. There wasn’t enough room between my nose and the seat-back in front of me to fit a paperback book–it would touch the chair and my nose…I crawled out and went to the rest room. A nice FA pulled me aside and said, “Here take this.” It was a small mister from the first class travel bags. She gave me the following advice while keeping her voice low. “Ask them nicely if they wouldn’t mind not reclining their seat back so much. If they don’t respond simply pretend to sneeze a couple of times. On your third sneeze use this and spritz the bugger on the back of the head a little. Works every time!” and gave me a wink.I thanked her and crawled back in to my seat. After a few minutes of going cross eyed and having the hair on the back of their head nearly grace my nose I followed her instructions. The man in front of me basically told me what I could do with my suggestion. I waited five minutes and proceeded to sneeze then spritz. That seat back flew up almost instantly and I spent the remaining 9 hours in comfort.
And so it goes....
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